I'm hoping that SOMEBODY gets this...

But if not, then perhaps it's time I speak of the being that is Rob Liefeld.  Millions of Comic Book fans have thrown punches at him, so why not ME too?

Rob Liefeld was a comic book artist throughout the 90's, and was part of "Image Comics" (Well...the "Dark Age" of Image, anyway)...

His most notable works were that of Youngblood and X-Force...

So...WHY has there been all the bashing and poking fun at Mr. Liefeld...well...

Uh...you know those guys you went to school with who would always sit there and sketch during the middle of class and usually came up with drawings of horrendously anatomically incorrect beefers wielding an uneven broadsword with a gun attached to it? (Basically, Napoleon Dynamite art)

Thaaat's pretty much Rob Liefeld....and he made a CAREER out of doing it.

Oh, it SOUNDS bad, but wait until you see-

.

Ghaa....I....do I even have to say anything...?!?!

Rob Liefeld apparently LOVED to draw on his characters (besides ridiculously huge shoulder pads and horrifically freakish muscle-tone) were Belts, and Belt Holsters/pouches.  Every single character seems to need at least 30 of them, presumably for snackies.  

But what Rob Liefeld apparently DIDN'T enjoy drawing were Hands, Feet, and Eyes...

I mean, if it wasn't obvious in the previous two drawings, then...take a look at this:

I'd like to say that Spiderman had previously had his hands run over by a cement truck in an earlier panel, but sadly, it's just Rob Liefeld's art.

The fact that Cable can even walk, let alone stand with "feet" like that is truly mind-boggling...but whenever Rob had a say in it, every drawing he made, the character's feet would be conveniently hidden or obscured by some object, or person just so he wouldn't have to draw those little nubs....

 Truly you can see the passion in his....eyes....?

But maybe there's more to this....perhaps in the universe that Rob Liefeld's characters live in, maybe the sun is SO bright that everyone's eyes have been burnt out...and perhaps that same sun was so intense that it made the ground impossible to walk on without permanently melting and therefore disfiguring your feet...and perhaps there was an epidemic of over-used steroid hormones used to grow food that made everyone's muscle-tone completely warped, and the only way to combat it was to wear ENORMOUS shoulder pads, and perhaps all of the belts wrapped around everyone's arms and legs is to combat the abnormal muscle growth, and all the hundreds of pouches worn by every character contains emergency injections that will sustain any life-threatening reactions or symptoms caused by the illness....

Or maybe Rob Liefeld was a really, really crappy artist.

Cliff Hanger

In 1983, ex-Disney animator Don Bluth released "Dragon's Lair" into arcades across America, stunning audiences with it's use of fluid, colorful animation in place of pixelated sprites, and unique new form of game play, in which rather than being in complete control of the character, you act on instinct and your own reflexes as the story plays out on the screen.
The game became extremely popular, and every kid wanted to give that bad boy a try...
Not long after...that same year, in fact, a long-running Pinball company by the name of Stern Electronics decided to try their own hand at animated interactive gaming with an adventure by the name of "Cliff Hanger"...so how was it that they released this game so quickly in the wake of "Dragon's Lair"?  Why simple...they already had an animated story ready to go...

Hmmm...he looks kind of familiar...almost like...no...

Yes...It is in fact, Lupin the 3rd.
Stern Electronics had somehow obtained permission to use footage from Hayao Miyazaki's first animated film, the 1979 classic entitled "Castle Cagliostro" (and some footage from "Mystery of Mamo").  They basically chopped the footage to include mostly the action sequences, (frequently recycling/looping footage) leaving the rest of the story very crudely edited and put together, replacing the original Japanese dialogue with extremely campy dubbing (not that most dubbing back then wasn't campy)...I mean, seriously, everyone sounds like they are doing an exaggerated parody of themselves in the silliest voices they can come up with...and every once in awhile, the Japanese voices can be heard, for example, Lupin bursts into the Princess's room and says, "Kurarissu!" (Clarissa).

The story is loosely based on that of Castle Cagliostro, in which you play Lup-...I mean..."CLIFF"...a dashing, roguish thief with a heart of gold who's main goal is to rescue a beautiful Princess from having to marry an evil Count...pretty much your typical plot in video games back then.
The one main problem with this game would have to be the game play itself...unlike games such as Dragon's Lair or Space Ace, in which the player is prompted to perform an action by random flashes on the screen, you were pretty much on your own with Cliff Hanger...which means you'd better get used to seeing Lupin/Cliff getting hanged on the "Game Over" screen...a LOT (which comes from the opening footage from "Mystery of Mamo". 


Really, there just isn't anything extraordinary about this game compared to it's predecessors...and audiences found nothing extraordinary either...

While Dragon's Lair was given great reviews and praised for helping against the great Arcade financial crisis of 1983, Cliff Hanger and Stern Electronics weren't so lucky...despite "Cliff Hanger"'s extensive publicity campaign, including appearances int he background of films like "The Goonies" and a few other films/anime shows, by 1985, the "Videogame Depression" had claimed Stern Electronics as another victim.  The company disbanded, leaving only a few to form a short-lived company by the name of Pinstar, who made conversion kits for old Bally and Stern machines.  A sad end to what once was a proud figure in the amusement industry.

Today, "Cliff Hanger" can be played on arcade roms such as MAME, along with Dragon's Lair/Space Ace.  Very few original cabinets, if any at all exist, as most of them were destroyed so the game could be converted for home consoles...but it will always serve as a memory and example that perhaps some things are best left alone, and that cutting corners doesn't always necessarily work.

Here's a link to see the game all the way through: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tQqf8nciH0&feature=related

This is amazing...

VERY well done fan-made video for "Zelda: A Link to the Past". 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37N4GkFRUoI&feature=g-all-bul

Maddog Williams and the Dungeons of Duridian

Ages and ages ago, (probably around 1996) we got our very first "real" computer as a Christmas Present from a friend of my Father's.  As part of the gift, a CD containing nearly 1000 games were included...(It was a terrible, terrible product, as most of the games turned out to only be Demos, and/or didn't even work in the first place)

Among one of those games was a rather unusual sounding title:

 

"The Adventures of Maddog Williams".  I admit, I had no idea exactly what to expect...The cover wasn't included in the description, and name alone made my 11 year old mind come up with all kinds of scenarios...mostly involving Mad Dogs.

So I clicked on the game, and this popped up:

I was absolutely stoked.  THIS is MY kind of game.  The scenario is as follows: Long ago, a gentle King named Serak ruled his land with grace and nobility...then, the good King fell under the corruption of a Demonic Being named "Malthazar".  The King, steadily slipping into madness, threw his Kingdom into chaos and terror.  And he very much intended to spread his rule across all of creation, eventually conquering the entire world.  All who rebelled against him were tortured in the most barbaric of ways...until the mighty Thaylor rose to the challenge.  Thaylor succeeded in taking down Serak's armies, and eventually capturing Serak himself.  Instead of executing him, Thaylor instead ordered that he be locked away for the rest of his days, and so it was done.  The people rejoiced, and made Thaylor their new King...and he ruled with the same grace and nobility that had once been the ways of the fallen King.  Soon, Thaylor married and a Princess was born.  Princess Leoria grew into a beautiful young woman, and was beloved by all...

And then, one night, a shadow descended upon the Kingdom once more...Mysteriously, Princess Leoria, the King, and Serak disappeared in one night.  None of the three could be found, and widely whispered rumors began to spread that the followers of Malthazar had arisen once more, intending to bring their fallen King back to power...and without King Thaylor, their plan would surely succeed.

While all this has been happening, the title character, Maddog Williams (who, as it turns out, got the name "Maddog" after participating in a drinking contest that left his face covered in the foam of the Ale and was likened to a "mad dog"), lives a simple life in his small village as the caretaker of an antique shop.  The game begins as Maddog is rudely awakened by one of his clever inventions.  From that moment on, the game is within your control.

Basically, you find yourself getting more and more involved with the events previously explained, and

the goal is to save the missing members of the royal family, and stop Serak from his evil desires by venturing through treacherous caves, endless forests, even flying on the back of a Dragon!  I was delighted to find that this would be a Text-Graphic adventure.  I had already been well acquainted with the "King's Quest" series, and had a great fondness for them.  So you could imagine my excitement when I stumbled upon this new experience



Though the graphics are simple compared to today's standards, I found myself quite taken with the atmosphere.  For it's time, so much detail was put into every screen of this game...you can certainly tell with every aspect of this game, that this was most definitely a game made with love.  Objects that you must obtain are not impossible to find either, but not mind-numbingly obvious either.

The music can be heard in different forms which can be selected after the title screen...one mode presents a simple, but pleasant and rather impressive score for an independent project, and very enjoyable to listen to...the other rendition is...well...just bad....the score is still the same, but the instrumentation...well...it's practically as if some guy came and sat next to you with a megaphone and basically screeched every note as loudly and annoyingly as possible directly into your ear cavity while simultaneously beating you over the head with a shrieking possum.  In other words, make sure you pick the right mode.

The game contains witty dialogue, and even likes to break the 4th wall from time to time, talking directly to the player in a rather humorous fashion, sometimes giving smart-ass remarks to commands you may type in.

The controls are pretty simple, and you are allowed to adjust the speed that Maddog walks in, which can really come in handy when you are trying to carefully walk a narrow path on a high cliff....my ONE complaint about the controls would have to be with the sword-fighting system.  There is a mode that you can go into to practice, but when the actual battle arrives, it's still very clunky and awkward...sometimes Maddog will end up facing the wrong way, but will still end up hitting his opponent, which unintentionally comes off in a rather slapstick-like manner...but it's easily forgivable, as there are very few occasions where you must fight someone to the death using your sword.  The rest of the story's progression relies on your own wit and perceptiveness. 

All in all, it's a very well-made and enjoyable game that really deserves more attention.  If you are into side-scrolling, dungeon-crawling, text-adventuring fun, I DEFINITELY recommend this game.


And the best part?  IT'S FREE!  Gamecrafters generously offered the game in it's entirety to play with absolutely no cost whatsoever.  Just simply head over to the site, and take a look.  I guarantee a fun adventure!!!

You are likely to be eaten by a Grue...

So simple, yet addicting as hell.  I spent hours on this damn game as a kid...no pictures, no CG graphics...just text, and your imagination...MY imagination of the land the character resides in was entirely based on the farm surrounded by a forest that I grew up in...I hate to pull the cliche "why, back in MY day" talk, but I just gotta' say...kids today have NO. CLUE. how easy they have it with video games and their memory cards/saved data, visual assistance, access to online walkthroughs/cheats...THIS was back when you had to draw your own maps as I did with my Dad's computer paper, write down clues and hints and figure it out on your own...and this game showed little mercy in the difficulty department.  It's hard to imagine a text game being "difficult", but if this game wanted to, it would just plain kill you outright.  You encounter enemies and obstacles in the game that WILL kill you purely by chance.  You can type "use sword" or any useful action to defeat the enemy or progress, but it didn't always work.  Several times, I would fight the Troll in the cellar of the house and get killed just because the narrator felt like it...that, and if you got to a certain point and DIDN'T obtain an item beforehand, or perform a certain action on that item, you were completely S.O.L, no second chances, no hints, nothing.  This element of difficulty remained well into the "Graphic Text Adventure" era, and was a common frustration factor in the "King's Quest" series...but I digress.  The farthest *I* ever made it was into the labyrinth, where on every attempt, I either found a key to a dark gate at the center of the maze, never to actually stumble on the gate/get killed by a bandit...OR I would find the gate, but never able to find the gate key. It was literally like the game was teasing me, and then acting all innocent and unaware of it's trickery by constantly saying, "I don't understand the meaning of the word ___". But I knew what it was doing...and I never found my way to the prize, which would have only been gloriously described in text anyhow...but back then, that prize was worth a king's ransom in a child's eyes.  I swear, I can hear that damn floppy disk snickerng at me right now...Fuck you, Zork....yeah, I don't CARE if you "don't understand the meaning of the word "fuck"."

MORTAL WOMBAT!!!

Ohhh my God, do I remember that day...the day that my Brother and I ventured into the Arcade and beheld what was the ending of innocence in my video game childhood. I'm pretty sure the very first Fatality I witnessed was Sub Zero's spine rip. The next day, I went to school, and it seemed like every student was talking about it. And it sure did corrupt us and turn us into violent criminals! Kids everywhere were throwing spears at each others, ripping each others hearts out! Okay, I'm obviously ripping into the mad ramblings of certain crazy, mean, crotchety old man by the name of Jack Thompson.

 
Jack Thompson is the hierarchy of all the ignorant looneys who believes that Video games alone are tools of violence and creates criminals...completely disregarding psychological issues and bad parenting...Nope. Just the Video games are to blame. He's pretty much the modern day physical manifestation of "Mazes and Monsters"...then again, "Mazes and Monsters" IS a FAR OUT game...perhaps I'll delve more into the asininely placed resentment this man holds for video games another time...until then, I'm gonna' go rip someone's head off.

My favorite Movie Heroine

Sigourney Weaver as Ripley in Aliens. Perfect heroine. Not overly butch, or meek and helpless. Beautiful, but not overly sexualized. So often women can't kick ass in films unless they A) Look and act like a man, or B) are wearing next to nothing and end up showing side boob at some point in the film. Both end up being nothing but laughable caricatures of what true female strength can be. Bravo to Ridley Scott for giving us a real female hero!

Hipster Aurora

Sorry...I kind of had to make this one...

I thought perhaps Scorpion would have more success if he extended his invitation a little more politely.

*In her best 'game announcer' voice* YOU. LOSE.

"Tiger PUNCH"?!  Oh COME ON!!!!!!!  You had the PERFECT opportunity to make something hilarious, and you had to go and fucking ruin it!!!!!  *Performs a vengeful 'Tiger Uppercut'*

In the name of Justice and extreme Otakuism!!!

Yaaay for Zelga-chibi-keychain-san!!!!

Zelgaids Greywords

I said it.

Dear Bioware...

I mean, come on!  It's Tim Goddamn Curry!  He HAS to have a villain song in ALL of his roles!!  (Even if he's playing a good guy) I'm positive that it's in his contract...

Farewell, my hero...

 My darker, grittier interpretation of meeting the Princess in "Cadash".  If you haven't noticed already, I kind of like that game a lot.

Did anyone else have one of these growing up? (Mine was Michelangelo)

When I was about 4 years old, we traveled to Las Vegas on a family vacation.  We stayed at the Circus Circus, and ended up playing some carnival games, and my brother and I both won one of these (His was Leo mine was Mikey) I wish I still had it, but it got chewed to pieces by my doggie. =(

So it's come to my attention that  Guillermo del Toro will be making his own version of "Beauty And The Beast"....and judging by his casting history, you KNOW what this means, right??? =P

☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ All the men in your life keep getting killed by Candarian Demons

My very first Anime...

This is one of my absolute EARLIEST memories in my life…it came on T.V. and I was absolutely captivated…I had no idea what “anime” was at the time (God, I was probably 4 or 5?) but I absolutely loved it…it led to me watching imported anime shows like “Grimm’s Fairy Tale Adventure” on Nickelodeon. The most I can remember is something about how Unico is traveling with a little girl, and they are trying to escape the wrath of a tall, dark figure who keeps turning creatures into stone…I remember a particular scene with a Kitty with magical Earphones…and then the sadness I felt when Unico’s little girl-buddy got turned into stone…(It has a happy ending though. ^_^) So yeah…this is the one that started it all for me.

When I grow up...

I want to be a shield maiden of Rohan.

My Favorite Anime

 
Long ago, I went to the local Blockbuster store with my mother, and I was ecstatic to find that they had introduced a small Anime section!  A friend had told me about “The Slayers” and said I should definitely check it out!  So I grabbed the first VHS volume, took it home, and popped it in…I was instantly hooked!!!  This show has EVERYTHING I love!  Swords, sorcery, great characters, and slapstick humor to go with it! XP  When the 4th episode ended on the tape, I wanted more!!  No Anime has ever truly stolen my nerdy heart so much as this one…I now have the entire series on VHS (Still should get the DVD’s, I know…) and I’ve made it a tradition to watch them all once a year.  ^_^

Why Flynn is the best...*TANGLED SPOILERS*

*POSSIBLE TANGLED SPOILERS!!  DON’T READ IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT!!!*
Anyways…Why Flynn?  Why not Prince Phillip or the Prince from Snow White and Cinderella (Did they even have a name???)  Well, for example, Aladdin is shown as a sweetheart and a nice guy from the beginning, while Flynn’s sweet side takes a bit of coaxing to show, and when it does, he becomes more endearing.  Prince Eric is very good looking and all, but…just so bland to me…maybe it’s because of so/so voice acting, I dunno…but he just isn’t that memorable to me, while Flynn was loaded with personality and depth. Prince Phillip, Prince Foot-Fetish and Prince Necrophilia-Man (I don’t know what else to call them) are just your typical story-book heroes, which is fine, but again, not much more to it than that.  Perhaps simple is best, but this is MY list, after all. ^_^  Now, the Beast…I liked him a LOT better when he was the Beast…(Okay, NOT insinuating that Belle should commit bestiality) I don’t know…to me, he just sort of lost his charm and interesting qualities when he became human.
*AGAIN, TANGLED SPOILERS BELOW!  FINAL WARNING!!!!*
Flynn started off as an awesome character, and just got better throughout the entire film.  I loved how the him and Rapunzel was very much like a ‘Han and Leia’ scenario, “The Scoundrel and the Princess”, if you will.  (And I think you’d all agree with me that Flynn would have shot Greedo first…but I digress.)  He starts off as a smug jerk, even trying to coerce Rapunzel into going back to the tower with fear-tactics by taking her to the ‘Snuggly Duckling’.  But as he gets to know Rapunzel a bit better, he too begins to open up, and we find out that there is more to Flynn than we realize…he is actually unsatisfied with who he really is, never telling his real name to anyone, hiding his sweet, sensitive side in favor of the tough, arrogant persona and pretty much masquerading through life as “Flynn Rider”.  Then Flynn becomes Eugene, and the true hero in him emerges.  He’s about to get executed for stealing the Princess’s crown, but he’s more concerned with Rapunzel’s safety.  He’s actually the only Disney Prince (I don’t include Hercules, as he’s not exactly a “Prince”) that comes to mind who actually sacrifices himself to save the Princess.  Yes, the Beast got wounded fighting Gaston, but Flynn actually has a CHANCE to save his own life by letting Rapunzel heal him…and he chooses her freedom instead.  It’s a beautiful, heartbreaking moment.  But as is the case in most disney films, love triumphs, and Eugene is healed.  He has become a better man, though he definitely keeps his sense of humor, (“After years and years and years of asking, I said “yes”)
So that’s my take on it…do what you will with it. ^_^

My FAVORITE videogame level

Well, the answer might surprise some, but hopefully delight others... I give you: "Jim is now a Blind Cave Salamander" from "Earhtworm Jim 2".
 


The first few levels of the game involve Earth Worm Jim (who is obviously already a strange character) fighting his way through some equally strange but rather enjoyable levels...and then...for NO reason whatsoever, with no future explanation, the title Character just becomes a Blind Salamander carrying a gun with it's feet, accompanied by the soothing melody of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata".  It's completely random, silly, weird...and I love it.  The object is to swim through the darkness of an underwater cave (though sometimes windows appear in the background), avoiding the hazardous anemone surrounding you...sound familiar?
And that's not even the most random part...when you reach the end of the level, THIS happens:

Your next task for this level is to participate in a Game Show (Followed by a game of "Simon").  I have always wondered what the developers were on when they made this game! (and if I can have some too, lol)
Anyways, I always found this level to be brilliant, and rather underrated.  So here's my loving tribute to, "Jim is now a Blind Cave Salamander"

My LEAST favorite videogame level...

When asked about my least favorite video game level, this one instantly comes to mind...




I'll never forget the first time we popped this guy into our NES.  The second that title screen appeared and the kickass music started playing, our excitement could hardly be contained.  What a freaking cool intro/story!  You play as one (or two if you have a friend) of 3 Toads who are off to rescue their third companion and a Princess from an evil Queen...you are lowered into the first level from a giant Spaceship, and instantly the beat-em-up action begins...



 You fight various enemies with your Toady fists, which cartoonishly grow in size the more punches you land.  The same happens if you kick as well...such a cool and fun beginning to what we thought would be an amazing adventure.


And then...

The 3rd level comes along, and things start to get a little bit hard...but that's how videogames work, right?  The more levels you complete, the more the difficulty increases.  Sounds fair, right?

Until...THOSE FUCKING HOVER BIKES!!!  That's it.  You may as well turn off the game now.  The programers apparently decided at that point that fairness and balance no longer apply, and they no longer wish for player to succeed. 

Hour after hour passed.  With every agonized attempt, a piece of our souls died, splattered like the little Toady guts on the walls that continuously ended any hope of succeeding...and success was never obtained, even to this day.

Rumors and theories eventually made themselves known, proclaiming that Rare, or some company that may have been representing Rare were in cahoots with Video stores across America...PURPOSEFULLY making this game next to impossible, so determined kids would be suckered into renting it over, and over again.

That's downright evil...but it worked.  My siblings and I rented this game over and over, trying relentlessly to beat this damn level, but to no avail...what's worse is that supposedly, this level is cake compared to the levels ahead...I wouldn't know, because I NEVER FUCKING MADE IT THAT FAR!!!!!!

^_^

Mommy, if you don’t buy me this toy, a dragon’s gonna’ eat you!

– Cute 3 year old boy at the checkout lanes at work today.

The 80’s Zelda cartoon, in a nutshell…

Link: Do me.
Zelda: No.
Link: Do me.
Zelda: No.
Spryte: Link, do ME!
Link: No.
Zelda: Aaah, monsters!
Link: *Slice* I saved the day.  Now will you do me, Zelda?
Zelda: No.
Link: Please?
Zelda: No.
Link: Well, excuuuuuuse me, Princess!
~Zora

DO NOT WAAAAANT!!! (Originaly post in 2011)

So...it has come to my attention that the release of "Return of the Jedi" on Blue Ray will feature Darth Vader's unintentionally hilarious "NNoooOOooooOOoo", played when he throws the Emperor over the bridge....



......
I can't even begin to convey how much sense this does NOT make!!!  WHY?!?!  What possible significant connection does it have with that scene?!!  Maybe he was thinking that it would be a semi-flashback to when the Emperor told Emokin of Panda-Bear's death, creating a sort of, "I let Panda die, I won't let my son die too!" or something like that.....BUT WHY?!?!  THE SCENE WAS PERFECT THE WAY IT WAS!!!  (As was every moment in the original, unedited versions)
And furthermore, WHY would George Lucas include the moment that has been relentlessly, remorselessly parodied more than any Star Wars moment?!?!
That's it.  The only thing I can come up with is that George Lucas....simply hates his fans.  That's IT!  What other possible reason could exist?  Yes, it could just be prideful insanity, but again, even George Lucas knows how much fans hated that scene in Revenge of the Sith.  So, my conclusion is that he is simply saying, "Okay, you didn't like my remakes, OR my prequels.  Well fuck you all!  Now I'm just doing this out of spite."

The shit-eating grin of a true nerferder.

Concerning the "Bat Voice"

...if people hate Christian Bale's "Batman Voice" so much, I propose a solution:  Have Adam West dub all of Bale's dialogue when he's dressed as Batman.  Problem Solved!!!

I absolutely adore Antique stores...I could spend literally all day in one.  They are like Museums, in a way...but a little bit more personal...you get to see and interact with various treasures owned by people who are just like you and me, from way back then...and you almost feel that connection with that person, though you never met.  It's truly an incredible experience, as weird as it might sound to some people...

*Sigh* of the Tiger. (Christmas Post from last year)

(Extreme dramatization intended for comedic purposes ahead...and I love and adore my Mother dearly <3>

With Christmas steadily approaching, it's hard not to think of Christmas childhood memories...I'd like to share a particular memory, which I'm sure some of you share...

Anyways, once upon a time, there was a little nerdlette who did not have her eye on some Barbie doll or any doll in particular...instead, she desired a particular Disney-related NES game, and asked her mother for it relentlessly, wrote several hastily scribbled letters to Santa, and even asked the big man himself in person...he gently tried to coax me into wishing for something else, but that wasn't happening...'something else'?  Perish the thought.  I wanted that frickin' game.

So...after waiting and waiting through those agonizingly tedious weeks, the big day finally arrives.  I know that I have been a good kid, and I'd been eyeing the small, cartridge-shaped item underneath the Christmas tree like a vulture waiting for it's prey to finally succumb to death (so festive!)...the parents give the okay, and beaming with pride, watched me tear into the gift as if I'd contracted some deadly illness, and within the Ninja Turtle-themed wrapping paper lies the cure...
This is it!  I'm about to play the game I've been wanting to play fo-
And I see one of these in my hands...

Mother looks towards me, her eyes sparkling with anticipation for my reaction..."That's the game you wanted, right?" she asks.  I'm sure those who have shared this experience pretty much had the same reaction....
......inside your head, your entire world has just come crashing down, and you barely remember how to even speak......

Now, if you have never seen one of these little bastards, let me tell you, it IS technically a video game....only it's had a lobotomy with a screwdriver.
You of COURSE meant the actual cartridge game, and your well-meaning parents found one of these Tiger Electronic devices, thinking it was the correct game...But...you don't want to upset your mother by telling her she inadvertently got you the extremely watered-down version of your heart's desire...

So...looking up at my mother, I finally remembered how to speak again, and I said,
"Yes...yes it is...thank you...very much."

This only happened to me one year, but I'm sure that it has happened to at least one of you readers out there.  And hey, who knows?  Perhaps it's probably going to happen again with the next big trend of video games when the time comes for having my own little nerdlings...

Merry Christmas, all. <3 br="br">

HEY!!

I was walking around the employee locker room at my work, when all of a sudden, I heard the distinct, “HEY!” from little Navi.  Nearly dropped my things, looked around frantically…”LISTEN!” came the voice again.  “Oh God, it’s finally happening!” I cried…turned out it was a co-worker’s phone that had his texting notifications set to play Navi’s sound fx.  Damn…I almost thought it was time for an epic quest…=(

I want...

....magical powers that would allow me to summon swarms of bees to destroy my enemies…that would make me, what…an “Entomancer”?  Sounds nice….although, BADGERS would be awesome as well…hmmm…a “Mustemancer”…then again, why should I stop there?  How about Badgers that shoot Bee’s from their mouth?!?!  I WOULD BE UNSTOPPABLE!!!!

I am so damned geeky...

…that instead of thinking up ways to tell my future children on how babies are made, Santa or the Easter Bunny don’t exist, I am concentrating on how I am going to break the news to my future children that there are THREE God-Awful prequels to “Star Wars”, and horrid, unnecessary re-releases of the originals…with no copies existing except for the original VHS releases…how am I going to make them understand?

WOOOAAAAAAAAGH!!!!

 


This was one of my favorite things in the world, growing up...I always played as Dazzler.  They sadly closed the arcade in our Mall a few years ago.  I actually attempted to find out whether or not they would be interested in selling it or not, but I never got a response back.  I totally would have bought it if I could have...

I'm pretty sure...

I may have just broken my friend’s childhood when I told her that “Anastasia” isn’t a Disney movie…

Good piece of advice...

Talk about video games when you really want to go in for the kill with a girl.

– Trent Reznor

I gotta have my pops...

So...I just randomly saw one of those old school "Corn Pops" cereal commercials...and I never realized before...all of the kids in these commercials are acting like complete drug-addicts!  I mean, just watch one of the videos on youtube or something, and you'll know what I mean.  At the very mention of having no "Corn Pops", they start FREAKING OUT, to the point where it seems as if they are about to pull out a weapon of some type and rob/shank someone on the streets for "Corn Money".  They pace around, panicked, sweating "I gotta' have my Pops...I GOTTA HAVE MY POPS!" repeating in their head over and over again....   Did I mention I apparently have a LOT of time on my hands?

Ode To Joysticks

You know what I dearly miss? Arcades. And I don’t mean ones with “Dance Dance Revolution” and others in that same category…No, I miss the large, colorful Arcade Machines, looking at the art painted on the cabinets, the soft glow coming from the screen, the familiar sounds of games such as “X-Men”, “Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles” “Street Fighter II”, “Mortal Kombat”, “Altered Beast”, “Pacman”, “Donkey Kong”, “Kung Fu”, “Frogger” “Golden Axe”, “Cadash”…climbing into the mechanical metal car/spaceships and just sitting in them, even if you didn’t have any money to play the games…I miss crowding around a skilled player and watching as he/she gets to the Shadow Boss in “Double Dragon” and feeling the suspense and tension and excitement from the spectators…or, actually BEING that person that everyone crowds around…and people say that Videogames don’t encourage socializing…fuck that. That was our safe haven as nerdy children. We were all comrades in battle…not giving a shit that we were giving away our allowances/birthday money/etc. etc. for the sake of a game. It wasn’t just about ‘playing a game’. It was the atmosphere, the friendships and alliances, experiencing the evolution of gaming as a ‘team’, really.

I just don’t feel that anymore, playing on MMORPG’s or any source of Online Gaming…sometimes you’ll find a fun group or whatever, but it pales in comparison, and lacks the magic of the ‘old days’…

~An Ode to Joysticks, by Zora The Geek

Ode to plastic Ninja Rat

One of the earliest memories I recall that I once had an action figure of Master Splinter…I took him to Preschool with me one day…I never saw him again after that. What ever happened to you, Master Splinter? Did a child take you? Were you tossed away by the janitor? Perhaps donated to Salvation Army? Or perhaps you ironically ended up in a sewer somewhere…I will never forget the mere hours of playtime we had together…I will always wonder and lament for whatever did happen to you after that fateful day…for that was the day I permanently got a splinter in my heart…(okay, that was bad) But I miss you, and wish our farewell hadn’t been so untimely…Adieu…Adieu…

Ode to Plastic Ninja Rat ~ Zora The Geek

Cadash

lol, I love how it says, "You can still play!" like it's saying, "Wait, come back!  I promise this game kicks ass!"  (And is it me, or does the position of the Princess's arms suggest that the Villain wants to get some "Princess Cookies"?)
But...I actually LOVE Cadash.  I find this game very satisfying every time I play it.  It actually reminded me very much of Zelda II: Adventures of Link, with it's side-scrolling feature, the XP system and such...I mean, yeah, there are certain flaws.  Such as:

(Apparently the good people of Dirzir speak "Ye Olde' Engrish")
That, and a very recycled plot.  You're main goal is to save, you'll never believe this...A captured Princess.  Very simplistic, but I suppose I look at it with the same fondness that I do with the old fantasy films like "Jack the Giant Killer" all those various cornball sword and sorcery flicks.  Kind of ridiculous, but with a certain degree of charm to it.

Anyways, if you DO play it, I would recommend the original Arcade Version, which you can find using MAME.  It WAS imported to home consoles, such as the TurboGrafx-16, and later on, the Sega Genesis.  I haven't played the TurboGrafx version, as I never owned one, but I did own the Sega Genesis...so imagine my excitement when I saw Cadash at the video store for the first time as a kid...Now I could play it at home!!
The Genesis version included revamped graphics/soundtrack/soundfx, which is fine, and in some ways better than the Arcade version, especially in the dialogue/engrish department...BUT, they only included The Warrior and The Mage as playable characters

...what the hell, Sega?!  Even if you couldn't have 4 people playing at the same time, they still should have given us the option of 4 characters to choose from.  That, and you can only give your character a 3-letter name.  Very lame!  That was just lazy, corner-cutting programing if you ask me...
All versions of the game pretty much have the same plot developments.  You're a hero who is summoned by the King and given the task of traveling to the Castle Cadash to recover the stolen Princess, who was apparently kidnapped for leverage by the evil Balrog/Barogue.  The Arcade version says that he wishes to use her in some sort of ritual to become immortal (what the ritual entails is unknown, but is most likely unpleasant) and the Sega Genesis version states in the manual that he has kidnapped her to force her into marriage to gain the kingdom.  See!  I told you he was after her cookies!  This WAS a pretty general plotline in most videogames back then.
You mostly battle your way through caves during the first half, fighting your basic Skeletal warriors, slimes, spiders, goblins, demon pigs, large poisonous bees, golems, and other various demons, gaining XP and leveling up on the way.  There are a couple boss battles which are pretty simple, and are mostly tied with side quests.  You also encounter many villagers who are pretty useless and only provide filler dialogue.  You befriend mermaids, gnomes, and even a talking dog!
It's relatively enjoyable, all in all.  It's not Tolkien, and if you're not expecting such, I find it's still pretty fun overall.
But what might be the greatest flaw in my personal opinion was the final battle.  There was all this buildup about the evil Barogue/Balrog throughout the entire game...who was he? What kind of terrible powers did he have?  In a way, it was the same kind of suspense I felt while playing the first Zelda, when it came to Gannon.

When you get to the Barogue's castle, you fight your way through Skeletons, Slimes, small, ground-based Dragons and long, serpent-like flying Dragons...The Princess herself tells you that he was the one who carried her off when you find her in her dungeon cell...so HE was the Dragon you saw in the intro! So it appeared you would be most likely be fighting a Dragon...you're climbing the final steps, fighting off the last of the Demon's monstrous creations...heart pumping with anticipation...you finally reach the Barogue's chambers...

And how does he greet you?


..."Pshaw"?  PSHAW?!  It was impossible not to laugh!  So, if you were expecting an epic battle, like I was...well...pshaw, you aren't getting one!  You fight the Demon Sorcerer in his humanoid form at first, with him flying around in the air shooting lightning bolts at you Emperor Palpatine style...then when you deliver enough damage to the Barogue, his fucking head comes off!  THAT was pretty awesome...and then you see the Dragon's head emerge from the "shell" that was the Barogue's humanoid form...Oh yeah, this is it!  It's time to fight a ferocious, firebreathing-

....medium-sized dragon...Come on!!  That's it?  That's really it?!  It's only slightly bigger than the dragons you fought in the lower levels of the Castle!!  The King's soldiers couldn't fight THAT off?!?!  Damn, I could even see the PRINCESS taking that thing on!!!  There were some pretty huge, intimidating bosses in the previous levels too!  You fought a Cave Worm that couldn't fit on the screen and filled up the entire room for crying out loud!!  What a letdown...
After an underwhelming battle, the Dragon flies off, and the Princess (who finally discovered that there is a conveniently placed vine to climb down right outside of her chamber) rushes to your side and wishing to return to the castle.
The castle is in ruins when you return, soldiers lying everywhere dying, telling you that the Barogue lives.  (Well no shit, I wouldn't call "flying off" a circumstantial cause of death unless he ran into a wall or something)  You make it back to the King's chambers where he is still sitting in his throne.  He basically says, "Hey, good job, but we just got our asses kicked while you were gone!"  Whoops.  But in comes the Princess, screaming "LIER!" (Liar in ye olde' Engrish) claiming that the King is an imposter due to the lack of a piece of jewelry that he always wears.  This is apparently enough to coax the Barogue to reveal himself as the King in disguise!  GASP!
So, once again, you duel with the dragon.  The most it does is whip you with your tail and eventually grows another head, but he's pretty easy if you have the right weapons or spells.
The ending isn't all that special either.  It's basically just the Princess thanking you and asking you to stay.  But you cannot, for you must journey...somewhere...because you have...uh...things...to do...

But regardless, if you're not looking to play something that requires a lot of thought or if you don't care whether or not the game has a really deep story, the game IS pretty fun.  I actually think it's quite underrated.  The controls are pretty smooth, and the scenery is also pleasing to the eye. It's basically a simple, nearly-mindless side-scrolling fantasy fighting game.  And for what it is, I quite enjoy it to this day, and it always will have a place in my gamer's heart.